Seven Years You Will Be Blessed

I grew up in a strong Catholic home and attended Catholic school. I knew I was a sinner. I was told that almost daily. I believed in God, and I believed that Yeshua-Jesus died on the cross-but somehow, that love and sacrifice of death never felt personal. I never believed that while Yeshua- Jesus was hanging there, He was doing it for me.

I didn’t know what it meant to claim – Yeshua Jesus as my personal Savior. I knew what it meant to be Catholic, but not what it meant to be a believer of the YHVH.

From the time I was very young-around five years old-I remember praying that God would send me the love of my life. I longed for an unfailing, everlasting love. I just believed it would come through a man, not through God.

There was a huge void in my heart, and I spent years trying to fill it.

I tried alcohol. I searched for love in relationships, but every one left me more devastated than before.

My world became full of pain and darkness, and there were times I could no longer bear it. I attempted to end my life, though by God’s grace, I never succeeded.

In desperation, I would open my Bible and ask God to speak to me. Most of the time, I didn’t understand it. Other times, it terrified me. When I thought about eternity, my mind filled with darkness.

Eventually, I lost its grip and  my life spun further out of control. I began doing things I never thought I would. My weight became the one thing I believed I could control.

I starved myself, eating an apple a day and one meal on the weekends. I went from a size five to a girl’s size twelve. I weighed eighty-five pounds  when I graduated from high school and felt completely worthless.

This was the beginning of a thirteen-year battle with food.

After one year of starvation, I spent the next twelve years living with bulimia. I would fill my body with food, then panic and empty it again. The cycle controlled my life. I was deeply depressed, but no one knew. I became very skilled at hiding.

I thought things would fill the void. They didn’t. I was desperate to be loved.

During this time, I met and married ex husband. People told me it was simple just accept Yeshua- Jesus. But I thought I needed to suffer more before God would accept me.

I hated myself, so how could God love me?

One day, after making myself sick repeatedly, I felt my life slipping away. I had been hospitalized. My kidneys were failing. I knew if I continued, I would succeed in ending my life.

I cried out to God to save me. He was my only hope.

Sitting on the floor with my Bible, I asked Jesus Christ to be Lord of my life and claimed him as my personal Savior. As I read, God spoke clearly to my heart:

In seven years, you will be blessed.

Through my Catholic lens, I assumed this meant forgiveness would come later. I didn’t think much about it again. Almost my purgatory on earth.

God knew I didn’t value my own life-but He knew I would value a child’s.

We were told having a child would be a miracle as I had done so much harder to my body.  Not long after, we were blessed with a child. I removed healthy y pregnancy for the love of my son. But shortly after he was born the love was outside of me again.  When the battle returned, God sent another child. Then another. Then another. As if God was working to keep me alive.

After our fourth child was born, the struggle returned.

One day, believing my husband had left for work, I went into the bathroom and began to make myself sick. He walked in on me. I felt overwhelming shame.

But God revealed something powerful. He showed me He had been standing beside me every single time. It was never about food-it was a spiritual battle.

In the summer of 2000, I reached the end. I longed to stop destroying the body He created, but I didn’t have the strength.

God did.

Every time the urge came, I ran to the laundry room, got on my knees, and cried out for help. And every time, God met me. Giving me the courage to walk away from the toilet. 

One night at a concert,  a song played, I felt every word pierce my heart as if The Divine Source- God was literally speaking them to me. When it ended, I heard God say, You are My child, and I am with you every day.

That night, God rescued me.

He broke open the door to  lies. He filled the emptiness. He showed me who I was.

I am a child of God, and He loves me.

The following week, we attended Mars Hill Bible Church. Weeks later, I was baptized.

As I stood there reflecting, God whispered again:

In seven years, you will be blessed.

It had been exactly seven years since I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Savior.

And He was right.

I was blessed.

Rebecca Dawn